Thursday, 30 August 2012

A Confederacy of Hamsters

Suddenly, a thought pops intae her skull, as she is watching Geordie Shore with a big bowel of Ben and Jerry's placed on her knee. It hits her like a high speed train, causing her to cover herself with chocolate.

AWWWWWWW SHITE! I'm getting FUCKEN FAT! Mah arse! Holy arse! What dao ah dao nao?

Arise, dear hamster!

Ah know! I'll ask mah mates and mah family sure. They'll tell me the trooth. 

Facebook friends: yous looks SOOOOOOOOOO good with mark in twennie ones, fair deuce to ya

Gay friends: You look FABULOUS TO ME! Penny's was made for you.

Women Friends that have their eyes on the alphas: Any guy would be lucky to have you! You look a-m-a-z-i-n-g!

Orbiters: look fine to me. You're hot, if I uh, umm, diddly, do say so myself. Like a flower in bloom. You're the woman I want to have children with and copulate with. (read this on today's Facebook - ED) 

DAD:  Dats mah gurlie!

The hot lads that I want: There are fatter people out there! (de fuck does da meain)

Conclusion: ahm a fucking 7 and nao man can tame meh! fuck dem, shallow up their own hole cockmunchers.

If I had a euro for every time I've observed a scenario like this.

Lassies, if you want to be physically attractive to guys, it's pretty simple. And before you say otherwise, no, really, no. It's not just me. Every man that has ever lived thinks/has thought like this, and believe me that's a lot of people we're talking about. Saying lots of men like fat, or curves, or whatever, is simply not true. Moreso, the people that you ask will give you the wrong answer, the answer you want to hear. Fat and skinny lassies are attractive equally because all of this shit is subjective, right? Huh. This is the cold honest truth. It's not rocket science, and everyone knows it. Why am I writing it? Because I'm sick of people telling others answers they want to hear. Boomer parents telling kids "do what you feel". Nerds being told that not having their shite together is "ok, and that they are individuals". This is wrong, all of it. 

So, without further ado:

This woman's 45 years old, old enough to be my mum. You said you're in your twenties? What's your excuse again fatso?
1: Eat a paleo diet, or some variation of it. This is one of the most important on the list. Nothing kills a boner quicker than a fucking beer gut. Meat, offal, eggs, green vegetables. Drink green tea. An indulgence once in a while is perfectly acceptable, just remember that if you don't respect your body, you'll age quicker than you think.

2: Lift weights. Compound lifts. Squats. Deadlifts. Bench Presses. Don't do cardio, get yourself to the weightroom. Also, don't worry about getting "big". You've got fuck all testosterone compared to men, and even then, those lads who are big are either genetic outliers, eating 3000 + calories of food a day, or are on hormones. You won't wake up big. You will wake up toned, be a lot healthier and suffer from less mood swings, have more guys going after yous, and slow down aging by 5-10 years if done properly. A lot of bang for your buck. Possibly a bit of HGH from the late 30s on, if yous can afford it. As of now, it's the better way to fight aging than the Joan Rivers plastic surgery route.

3: Wear dresses. Why don't Irish lassies wear dresses anymore? It's all fucking jeans and weird grey shit.

3(b): Within reason. A certain brand will not automatically make you hotter. A dress that is colorful, fits properly, and accentuates your curves, does. The color red is a good choice. Ever visit a charity shop? Many a dress that would look great on a lassie for a fiver en aw. This is just to save money, that's all.

4: Don't cut your hair short. We like women to look like women! Not pyknic man-boy things. Long hair is a hassle to look after clearly. But the alternatives? Short hair isn't cute. It isn't a turn on. It doesn't make you remotely iconoclastic or anti chauvinistic. It's just fucking shite. While we're on the topic of hair, don't dye it a strange color, or get a weird, "out of this world" style, hair cut either. Green rainbow hair = image of a crap femcunt who uses the word "cigender" a lot/or a massive fucking slut. Tattoos are unattractive as well. After all, can you imagine yourself with a wrinkly butterfly tattoo above your snatch at 70? Me neither.

5: Learn how to put on makeup properly. It's amazing how many lassies DON'T know how to do this. How many of them are gallivanting around the place looking like they're auditioning for clown college? A bit is fine, but there's no need to go overboard. Here's a nice list that shows you which makeup is noticed most by men while we're at it.

6: Dress your age. There is something oddly depressing about seeing a 40 year old cougar in a nightclub, dressing like a lass that's 20 years her junior. The eyes are the window to the soul, always. There really is nothing more pathetic and desperate than that.  Dress up and dress appropriately. Do this as you age.

7: Wear lingerie.  Few things are nicer than a woman saying to you "I bought this, because I want you to imagine what I look like without them on". A great surprise that keeps on giving.

8: Use moisturizer and sunscreen. Neutrogena and Ambre Solaire are excellent brands, and help protect your face from the harsh elements. Make it a habit, and stick with it. You're in it for the long haul.

Seriously ladies, you'll thank me when you've just married George Clooney.

Edit: It seems that 3rd Millennial Man posted something identical already today. Great minds think alike. It's a goodie, and it's got stuff on personality, which mine barely glossed over.


  1. I just discovered your blog thanks both of us guest posting a Mojo's.

    I've had long hair for a year and a half. If I've learned one thing: its that if I can keep it in good shape, with only washing and combing,, then there's no excuse for a girl not to.

    1. Exactly, I should have put something like this in! You're getting into a situation now where guys are putting more effort into their appearence than the lassies are! Then again, if you're a hungry hungry hippo and you're getting all this attention, why would you bother your arse?

      I'd consider doing the long hair thing, but it's associated less and less with Robert Plant and more and more with nerds who just gave up on life/

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