Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Drinkin Like A Mad Bastard

"Give me somthin dat wil get me fucked rite up rite! I don't have much on me like!"

"Yer bloody moorder Franco, anybody ever tell yous dat?"

I turn to the bartender, a skinny, curly haired man polishing a glass.

"I'll have eh Jack Dannys please, nothing else in it"

And soon, a great conflagration was now in effect, boulders tumbled from the sky. People were burned. I had an epiphany, a mellifluous golden one, a moment at that very time, as you mad fellas Americans would say. Drinking beer and stout and all of that is perfectly well and good, but the most badass alcoholic beverages in the world are whiskey, scotch, vodka and wine. Now, fear not young drinker, I'm still not one that is averse from getting rightly twisted now and again, but these days, I'ma trying tae stay classy, by asking for the shot of whisky or scotch, rather than the full on pint of plain.

But, incredibly enough, I've noticed some real, practical advantages to going the way of the Bond. The first, is the fact that I don't have to piss as much, if at all. In a crowded pub, pushing people to the side, sliding inbetween big fat fucken basters like Indiana Jones traversing an ancient temple, a series of dissonant squalls "sorry" "cuse meh" "sorry like"I want to get through" and then finally, at the end of this great odyssey,  some hirsuite guy in the jacks starts pissing in MY urinal, MY territory because he's so fucking imbibed? Nah like. Not happening anymore. Not putting up with anymore shite. Less toilet trips. Less bullshit. End. Finito. The second reason is the good old beer shield one. I try to avoid this as much as possible, (and you should too, if you know what's good for you) but it is considerably more difficult when people are formicating left, right and centre around the place. This gets even more difficult in the midst of drunken couples, piroutetting around the floor shamelessly, like chickens with their heads cut off. You have to take a massive slug from your pint as well, to make it stop spilling all over some poor tinker's son, in the first place as well. Which is annoying, because you get through drink quicker that way. You wanna savour that buzz, know what I mean ken? With whiskey meanwhile, holding the glass down at your side is considerably easier, and a lot less cumbersome. Third, spilling drinks. It's a lot harder to spill whiskey, and even if you manage to do so, you'll get a little drop on you at the very most. Compare that to being soaked head to toe with Heiniken beer after your oafish, clumsy American friend dumps a tray of beer over your head. Such a beautiful tragedy. a divine comedy, could have been avoided, if he just fucking stuck to Jack Daniels.

Third, it saves you buckets of time. Ever wake up to the putrid stench of cold chips and cans of Dutch Gold aroind yer bed? Ever cycle down to the bottle bank with a big plastic bag o shite? All that time, all that space, is yours, when you're drinking from a whiskey bottle. Good for the time, good for soul. Fourth, if you're not intae dat Mystery peacocking bull, as any normal cunt may feel, then simply drink whiskey like tapwater. I've had girls talk to me, start conversations with me, because I'm the mad hatter drinking doon whiskey, whereas everyone else is raising their glasses in the air, proclaiming their unrequited love to a voluptuous lassie, or to Arthur Guinness, who tends not to hear them very well, because he's been dead for nearly three hundred years.  Fifth, it tastes nicer, when you get used to it.

Sixth. If you want to sing along to a Pogues tune, the stuff makes you more authentic:
Seventh, I don't get hangovers from the stuff. Eight: it looks cool. Ninth: As for decline of the west due to feminism and all that jazz? Fuck that. All you have to do is walk into fucking Doyles and see pudgy twentysomething year olds with Stewie Griffin t-shirts having "a bud". That, is the epitome of a lost people. More fucken Don Draper from you, less pudgy twat, in my opinion. And all you have to to, is point the glass back and swallow.

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