Saturday, 2 February 2013

250 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, And I Can Only Choose One?


"Every single time Franco!"

"Ce wha?"

"The beer and the bords. It's always de black stuff, oar a fucken cor bomb. Never some Heino. Some Corlsberg? Eh's too focken much for the jammy cunt!"

"I like de black stuff."

"Yeah, yeah. And now you're oaff on getting yer Nate King Cole off this Asian lassie drinking the whisky!"

"What will you have, sir?"

"I'll have a Jack Daniels, sound"

Kielys! I fucken smell of poverty. Cunts like.

Every bar I walk into, there is an abundance of choice for the prototypical bar fly. Glistening glasses of golden promise, lagers that were made in your knacker mates basement interspaced with some fancy German shit that tastes like it was brewed in Otto Von Bismark's funky hat. All dese drinks, and they will never ever find their way down de gullet. Shame.

I think these kind of choices, rather unnecessary in the greater scheme of things, make de wee cunt unhappier. Ten types of pizza in de shopper. Fifty types of ice cream. Makes a fat girl cry. One of the beautiful, simple things about something like the Paleo Diet/Ketogenic Diet is the fact that you are not bombarded by all these choices left right and centre. You're stuck with de meait, and you wilnae be floating into fucking bread and pasta territory anytime soon, despite what your olfactory system says. There are many important decisions to be made of course, but those decisions, being important, require the higher weighted average in the equation. Diligent, tentative beta males are bogged down by what kind eh fucking fruity to put around his shriveled, wank encrusted finger.  Will the lassie like Lynx Ass Smell or Lynx POWER smell? You, as a Renaissance cunt, are not going to be bogged down by the paradox of petty choice. My dick, I am proud to say, is multicultural and an equal opportunities employer. That is why nature gave women such a small SMV duration. Too many sexy women out there and all we'd be doing is fucken and eating Doritos and watching Dara O Brian.
 
There's hundreds of beers out there. Choose one, and stick with it.

There's hundreds of brands out there in the supermarket. Choose the cheapest.

There's hundreds of cars out there. Choose the one that will get you to your destination and is cheap.

There are boxes and boxes of cigarettes out there, all with their nicotiney goodness. Choose the rollies. 

What works well is asking a fundamental question about the utility of the good or service you are consuming.You down a naggin or two to socialize with your mates? Great, just don't be the tosspot who is flailing around the room singing "Uh git nocked down, en ah git up egen". Irish men, I've said it before, have excellent game, some of the best in the world. We'd be a nation of Don Juans if we just, for the love of fuck, kept away from that extra pint of the black stuff. Well, we were, at the very least. If you have an object in your mind, do your best to evaluate it and its use and function, and stay within that sphere. So, why do you eat food ken? You fucking eat it to live and stay healthy. That's it. It dinnae have toos be tasty, but it has to be nutritious and livy. Thinking like this will keep your choices at a minimum.

The point is that these are stupid, niggly decisions that make your life miserable if you dwell on them too much. One thing I like to do is, faced with a movie I wants to go see, I toss a coin and then get my arse in there, no problem. There are big decisions to be made, such as not dumping the lassie on her ass and taking it (warning: Oprah language) to another level, or looking for a job, or just trying toos work through a shitty time. Streamline your life ken. Save the energy for the important decisions in life and stop fucking around. Keep it simple, and stay classy folks.

1 comment:

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