Tuesday, 23 April 2013

In Which Francis Begbie Has an Amusing Encounter With a Coquettish Teenage Lassie and Pays Dearly For It

The Luas when it is busy, a fucking nightmare of nightmares ken. The Red line. Heading into the heart of the Big Smoke, about to get the drink on and go on the langers with some cunt and his cuntess. Sweet en aw. This time in particular, it's quite the fucken meait in the room's sandwich sort of thing, with ear to ear people taking up every cubic centimeter within the confines of the tram. A fucken fly couldn't fart without some other flyboy getting the whiff of it ken. A colorful cast of characters, the usual shite. Skobie fuckers with Tommy Hilfiger. The empowered lassie heading back from work. The octogenarian chatting loudly to his mate about the lad down the road ending in the joy. Ah, Ireland. So much in such mundane. But this was not to be a good day for Franco. This was the day when the lassies introduced themselves to the Luas, around Museum stop, which is hilarious because that stop in particular is the biggest waste of taxpayer's money since the fucking phallic symbol (oh hi femcunt!) sticking out of O Connell Street. There's one big fat fucker who looks like fucken Eddie from de Hardy Bucks and this cunt is full blown vivacious, you could imagine half of Tallaght going up his nose en aw.

Then the teenagers come on and it all goes to shite.

A shoal of teenage lassies get on at this stop and worm their way through the heads and bodies. 16 or so years old. Most of them are not bad looking,  but this one, fucken gorgeous lassie, 15, 16 whatever the hell aww man. Since the crowd is such and such, her arse is wedged near my crotch. Teenage lassies sort of terrify me. On one hand, they are (these are lassies with fully developed breasts and ass and hips and whatnot, so this is not Lolita 2: Franco Edition or some shit like that) fucken beautiful, and the innocence ken. The innocence.You just want to get one of these empty shells of lassies and teach her, instruct her on how the world works. But on the other hand, you could imagine the conversations you'd have with the lassie. Fucken One Direction or whatever the kids like these days. Plus the legions of angry fathers holding up placards after you've gotten your hole with them. And the insulting reminder, that lassies like this, are going going gone in the great auction halls of time of man. Soon, your own lassie is bringing open their own lassies from school. How common is that, for the older man wanting to bang 16/17 year old lassies while his droopy titted lassie looks on and yaps en yaps en yaps en yaps huh?

Ass wedged against crotch, nose close enough to her neck. No perfume, but dat smell ken. Estrogen. Fuck me, it was intoxicating. Couldn't move ken. Crowd was packt in like sardines in a tin box. Slubberdegullion laughs at me in the corner. What happens next was inevitable. Ten seconds later, a well hung Franco wedged against her left buttock. Don't know what the hell to do now. But then, and this is where shit gets amusing, and with it, do NOT give me the fucken guffaw that lassies of this age are all innocent and shit, even though, fuck me sideways I made that point already. No, what this lassie does is step purposely backwards so that well hung Franco is stuck even harder against her. This is unbearable. Now shes taking all the hair covering her back neck, and sort of grooming herself in front of her friend, so now the neck is exposed. Looking at the stops. Coming up to Abbey Street. Sheeeeeeeeeeit. She starts grinding her ass, while at the same time talking to her lassie friend about being in school studying for the Leaving Cert next year. Is this lassie drunk? She certainly seems kind of jolly, and it is the time for it. Shit shit shit. I want to grab her ass, want to put my hands on her hips and pull her towards me, sort of doing it by pretending to scratch my leg, but by "accidentally" brushing her hips. Doggy, doggy doggy doggy. No budge ken. In fact, her arse is right up against me to such a degree that well hung Franco is at a 45 degree angle. Zip. Ding ding ding. Abbey Street, here we are. The crowd piles out. What. The. Flying. Bejesusfuckbathell just happened? Some beta male's daughter. My daughter is a saint! She would never grind against strange men on the Luas. I look up. Cars pass. She catches my eye in the window, smiles at yours truly, looks down, turns towards her friends and walks off.

This lassie knew exactly what she was doing. Made me feel like a real fucken pervert it did.

So I step out, one stop later. I'm walking up towards Parnell Street. People are giving me funny looks now. Some stifled laughter, averted gazes, an angry old woman with a shopping trolley. This is weird. But that's ok. Maybe the head is doing a loop de loop on me. I need to take a piss. I step into a bar and try and take a piss. Then this old gentlemen starts doing the stop and chat with me as he uses the urinal two doors down.

"Good evening yeah?"

"Ah yeah, just got here."


"See you didn't make it then."


"You didn't make it?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Did you piss yourself?"


The horror, the horror. I looked down. In the ecstasy of it all, I didn't know I left a precum patch on my jeans, a big fucken smiley face of a thing, and it had to be this old lad to point it out. Fuck me.

"Happens to de best of us lad"

He shuffles out, and my dignity dies, rotting in the oriface of a Dublin pub toilet. The only option now is to get lots of toilet paper and make sure it leaves the fabric, but fuck ken, a precum patch does not fucken dry off quickly with toilet paper. Peep Show has nothing on me. This shit was ridiculous. I could see it now. Pisscumjeansfranco, youtube sensation. Truth is, I had to wash the fucken pants again. My pants must be broken. The stain was fucken stuck there. Big fucken precum stain like a bullseye on a dartboard. Suffice to say, the people in the luas found it most amusing. It's not piss though. Not, fucken piss.

So lads, a lesson to yous all. If you see a coquettish teenage lassie on the Luas, remember what I went through. Sad shit ken. At least for day, I now know what it be like to walk a dayin Delicious Taco's shoes...


  1. That's bloody hilarious mate! Sounds like something that would happen to Delicious Tacos.

    Still, at least you know you've got the capacity to bag gorgeous 16 year olds now ;-)

    1. Sounds better than it is alas. You do that over here and it's jail time for yous.

      I think that younger lassies are atrocious at hiding that they're interested in general. But christ, this lassie was a nine. No fucken question.

      Might be a good idea to carry a bottle of stain remover with me from now on. A bottle of Cillet Bang. Bang, and dirt is gone!


    nice. for some reason i imagine you posting in a voice that sounds like that dude from arab strap. lol.

    1. ^^^ Danny's first line! omgomgomg.

      There are quite a few states here that have the age of consent at 16, but damn, that's young! (and frisky evidently)

    2. Hahaha, holy shite. Nah, deep enough voice ken. I'm actually a well spoken lad in real life, believe it or not. The fancypants cunt in the room en aw!

    3. She could have been younger, but bejaesus, teenage lassies are a different breed en aw are they not? This lassie was frisky. Possibly would have said something in other circumstances but I don't like jail. Fucken stupid though. 16 or not, she knew one hundred percent what she was doing. She was enjoying well hung franco, and the attention from the super amazing laddie that is myself.

      She owes me money for pants though.

  3. That is frickin hilarious and buddy, I've been there. That's why I live in Florida, cotton shorts dry pretty quickly.

    1. Great advice. Hopefully there's a bit of good weather so I can wear some.

  4. Great story, bro. Reminds me of the time I was sitting at a stoplight next to a school bus packed full of an all-girl high-school volleyball team. 15-16 year-old-olds. One little cutie looks me right in the eye and smiles. Then, she turns around, pulls her pants/panties all the way down, and moons me out the window. She spread her ass cheeks, showed off everything. She held the pose for about ten seconds, while her girlfriends cheered her on. Broad daylight, no shame. Kids these days ;)